The Unwritten Rule of Brotherhood: When Was the Last Time You Hugged a Brother?
The unwritten rule says men skip the hug and the "I love you." The data says breaking that rule might just be a lifeline.
The Unwritten Rule
You know the move. Handshake, a quick pull-in, two hard slaps on the back, and a step away before anything real can happen. Over in two seconds. Nobody gets hurt.
Somewhere along the way, a lot of us picked up an unwritten rule: men don't really hug men, and we definitely don't say "I love you" out loud. Nobody wrote it down. We all just follow it.
But as we face a growing male loneliness epidemic, I want to challenge that rule today, and I'll let the research do some of the talking.
Where the Rule Came From: The Root of Male Isolation
The rule isn't something we're born with. It's largely cultural, and it shifts from generation to generation. Compare how your grandfather greeted his friends with how your teenage son greets his, and you'll see it. Somewhere along the way, a lot of us learned to keep it at arm's length.
That doesn't mean it's how God made us to live.
What the Research Says
I'm not a scientist, so I'll give credit where it's due. One honest note first: most of these studies are about affection in general, not men hugging men, and several show a link, not proof of cause. Still, the reality of affection deprivation in men is hard to ignore:
Hugs Help Under Stress: In a 2014 Carnegie Mellon study of 404 healthy adults, hugs accounted for about a third of social support's protective effect against infection when people were stressed. Lead researcher Sheldon Cohen said the protection might come from the touch itself or from what a hug signals about closeness.
Saying It May Help You, Too: A 2020 meta-analysis by Colin Hesse, Kory Floyd, and Stephen Rains found affectionate communication was linked to better health, a modest but consistent effect. Expressing affection had a larger effect than receiving it, with no difference between men and women.
Men Run Short on Affection: In a 2014 survey of 509 adults, Floyd found men reported wanting more affectionate touch than they were getting, more than women did, and that went along with more loneliness, depression, and stress. A later 2023 study of 827 adults found too little affection was tied to worse outcomes than too much.
Touch Eases Loneliness: A 2021 conference abstract analyzing national data on 1,626 older adults found that more frequent physical contact with family and friends predicted larger drops in loneliness over five years, even after accounting for how often they socialized.
It's Not New. It's Biblical.
Before you write this off as a modern trend, read your Bible with fresh eyes:
David and Jonathan kissed and wept together at their goodbye (1 Samuel 20:41).
The elders of Ephesus embraced Paul and kissed him, weeping (Acts 20:37).
Paul told whole churches to greet one another with a holy kiss (Romans 16:16).
Those weren't weak men. Our greetings look different today, but the heart behind them hasn't changed. And remember 1 John 3:18: love isn't just words. "I love you" never replaces showing up. It's what makes showing up land.
A Few Ground Rules
Kory Floyd's research, as summarized by the National Communication Association, suggests the benefits come mostly in emotionally close relationships. So:
Start with men you already trust. Let him set the pace. If he stiffens, ease off. No hard feelings.
Honor the history. Some men have real reasons touch is hard. Respect that without pressure.
Let awkward count. Your first try won't be smooth. That's fine.
Four Ways to Start
Your first try won't be smooth. That's fine. If you are trying to figure out how to make friends as a man and break out of Christian fatherhood isolation, action cures awkwardness. Here are four ways to start:
Hold the handshake a beat longer. Or pull in for a real hug and skip the back-slap escape.
Say it at the goodbye. End a call or a driveway visit with "Love you, brother." Text it first if saying it out loud feels like too much.
Say why. "I'm glad you're in my corner, man, because you kept me level this month." One sentence does it.
End the prayer with a hug. When you pray for a brother by name, close the amen with an embrace.
And yes, "I love you, bruh" counts. God isn't grading the vocabulary.
Ready for More?
Real brotherhood is at the heart of The Carbonado Intensive™. If you're ready for a coach who'll walk the road with you, take a look.
Not quite ready? Start with the free Black Diamond Dads™ books. No pressure, just a good, honest read.
Refining the Man. Forging the Legacy.™
Flat-Footed Conviction. Wholehearted Grace. Better Dads.
Ron Maxson, Jr. | The Dads Prayer Coach
Sources & Further Reading
Hugs Help Protect Against Stress and Infection, Say Carnegie Mellon Researchers, Carnegie Mellon University (2014)
Affectionate Communication and Health: A Meta-Analysis, Hesse, Floyd, and Rains, Communication Monographs (2020)
Relational and Health Correlates of Affection Deprivation, Kory Floyd, Western Journal of Communication (2014)
Affection Deprivation Is More Aversive Than Excessive Affection, Hesse, Floyd, and Mikkelson, Personal Relationships (2023)
Longitudinal Associations of Physical Touch with Loneliness among Older Adults, Brown, Giddens, and Wilson, Innovation in Aging, conference abstract (2021)
Affectionate Communication Is Good for You, Communication Currents, National Communication Association (2008)
